Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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