I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't turn off my feet"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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