My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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