My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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