Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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