I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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