so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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