guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
