When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize