i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
