you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
