I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
