I accidentally had phone sex last night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
