nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
