The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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