I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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