I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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