I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
