so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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