..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
