i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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