btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
