You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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