Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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