also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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