Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
