my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
