there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize