he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
