Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
