what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
