I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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