Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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