Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
