Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
