I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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