Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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