Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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