I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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