ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
