someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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