he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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