You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
