Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
FUCK WHALES
I currently don't understand fingers.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
