Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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