I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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