How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
