He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
