I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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