Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
