I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this beer tastes like vomit already
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
