I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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