k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
