my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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