Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
