Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
