Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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