the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
