remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
