i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
