Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
