she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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