I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize