Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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