she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
